The last few months have been sprinkled with moments of great realization, thoughts that made me pause and give thanks, thoughts that made me pause and say wow, and thoughts that made me appreciate the seemingly insignificant moments even more. One of those moments just happened and I am so compelled to write about it that I can hardly type fast enough. Before I share the great realization contained in that moment, I must give you a brief history so you will understand where it comes from and hopefully appreciate the realization as much as I do.
Every single woman has a dream in her heart of what she wants her ideal mate to be. He must be tall, dark, and handsome, or have lots of money, have a twisted or cheesy sense of humor to match her own, a love of children so he will help take care of hers, a sense of obligation so he will be a great provider, a hard worker, and the list goes on. Whatever is on that list, you can be sure she is mentally checking off each item every time she is on date with a potential mate. She will ask all the necessary questions to get enough information to compare to that list, and then some. Yes, guys, you are on an interview every time. But this interview has the potential to offer rewards and fringe benefits far beyond any job. This is an opportunity to find and join forces with someone who will forever be your partner, your confidant, your soul mate, your love slave, the person who completes your world, the person who helps you reach your dreams and seek out new ones to achieve together, your heart’s desire, the reason you rush home, and the reason you are late for work, the person who can finish your sentences, put words to your thoughts, and a melody to your song.
My list was made several years ago after writing many lists titled “what I don’t want in a man.” Unfortunately, I have never experienced the good things about marriage, you know, the honesty, the fidelity, trust, companionship, loyalty. However, I could talk for days about the opposite of all those things, which is why my lists always consisted of things that I absolutely did not want. That is, until 2006. My entire outlook changed as I began thinking about what I do want. This change in thinking was brought about after I was blessed with a new home. Suddenly I began seeing everything in a positive light. The divorce in 1998 made me very bitter and angry and it felt wonderful to finally let go of all that negative energy that I was unknowingly holding on to. My eyes were open in that area and it was a new day for me in 2006.
With the new house came the hope that I would find someone to share it with. I had faith that God would bring my soul mate to me soon. I just knew that somehow he would miraculously show up at my front door and we would automatically know that we were meant to be together forever. Yea, I know it sounds like a fairy tale, but God can do anything. A fairy tale is like a walk in the park for Him! Armed with this new positive attitude and dreams of my soul mate, I set out on my dating journey. I was determined to get it right this time. I started accepting offers from friends with good intentions who wanted to fix me up with someone they knew. I even explored the option of online dating. Everything was a flop. Instead of writing a fairy tale, I have journals filled with horror stories about blind dating and smokin’ hot guys that turned out to be ugly on the inside. How could this happen? Six years later and I still have no fairy tale to write about. And now, I have lost my house. The thing that I connected my fairy tale to, the place where I imagined my fairy tale would be lived out…is gone.
Even though all seems lost, I do not accept that. I refuse to take on the pity that so many of my friends and family members have for me. I appreciate their kind words and prayers, but I don’t think they know that I can also hear their pity. I have said many prayers about my current situation as well, and I know pity does not have a place in my present or my future. Previous plans, hopes, dreams, and fairy tales may not happen the way I had envisioned, but they will happen. God did not put these things in my heart, only to take them away. He has a better plan to make these things happen than what I had envisioned. My list has changed over the last few weeks. And it is all due to those realizations that I have been given while going through this difficult time.
Today while thinking about the list, I began to feel discouraged. I was remembering all the things that I had added to the list. There were little whispers God had given me so I would know my true love when we met. He would have a love for jazz music, “My love loves jazz,” God once told me. He would also be very strong and confident in his walk, he would be a missionary, he would be a singer and songwriter, he would be a painter and an artist. He would be a mason, a carpenter, a farmer, a businessman. He would have a true and genuine love for all people, and be a servant to all people. He would have a great respect for all women, honoring and protecting them the way all men were meant to. He would have a sense of humor and constantly seek out reasons to laugh. He would be a servant leader with a great vision of how good the world could be. He would see the good qualities in all people and encourage and inspire all people to see what he sees. I was discouraged after thinking on these things because I wondered if it was even possible for one man to be all of this. And that is when the latest and greatest realization hit me…God is all of these things. He is all this and more! That is where my deepest longings and desires can be fulfilled—with God. He is the Source of all love and all that is good.
It is very freeing and empowering at the same time to fully understand this fact. I have read many books on Godly love and marital love and thought I had a grasp on the two. Today, I have realized that they are not separate. One is an extension of the other, and nothing is real unless it comes from the source. There are many imitations of my God and many imitations of true marital love, but there is only one true God and only He is capable of putting true marital love in our hearts. He created it and He will distribute it. In Him is my worth and value along with my hopes and desires for the future. He holds all of my past, present, and future in His loving and capable hands. He knows the desires of my heart and He will give them to me in His time. How has my list changed? Well, it no longer exists. I am free and I am empowered, and my trust is in Him, Jehovah Jireh.